Falling Off The Wagon

I think giving up being an enabler is almost like an alcoholic giving up drinking - there are going to be good days and then bad days. Today was a bad day - a slight bump in the road of recovery.

L called me asking for gas money - said she didn't have enough gas to get herself home. I stood my ground and said No - she kept arguing and made all sorts of promises about how she would pay me back when she gets paid on Monday. I stood my ground and kept saying No - told her the conversation was over and hung up the phone. Then the little nagging guilt started in - that old feeling of being the Mom and how could I let her be out there without any gas. So when she called I was in a weakened state - I also was afraid that these calls would keep coming and the thought of the phone ringing off the hook at midnight did not sound like fun. So - I asked her where she was and whether she could make it up to the Klahanie Shell Station - told her to be there in 20 minutes to meet me. I didn't give her cash but I did fill her tank for her. Fell off the wagon and enabled her and bailed her out of not having any money because she spent it all on who knows what during the month. But - like the alcoholic - I need to remember that this whole process is not going to go smoothly and be perfect over night - there are going to be bumps in the road and times when I will take two steps forward and then another step back. I won't beat myself up for this and will just learn from my error in judgement and go from there. I did find out today after I filled her tank that she had gotten $20 bucks on Tuesday from her Bepa to fill her tank. She has been playing us all - I gave her a $25 gas card for Christmas and she used that up already - She told me that it hadn't filled her tank but then today when I filled it for her it was only $23. So either she lied about the gas card not filling her tank or she lied to me about not having enough gas to get herself home. I need to build up some resolve because her last day with her Grandparents is supposed to be this Monday and I know she has not found a new place to live yet. I need to be strong when those late night calls come and she is cold outside. My health depends on it because I know I can't handle the stress of her living with me.

Keep us both in your thoughts.

De