I had a lot of things running through my mind last night – couldn’t fall asleep until after midnight – I should have just gotten up then and written everything down instead of letting it stew in my brain all night and now all day. I have stressed about writing exactly what I have been feeling – worried about who is reading it and what they will think. But when I started this I promised myself I would be honest and try not to censor myself.
It all started with a FB Message I got from my friend Lyd – long story short – we haven’t seen or talked to each other for a couple months and she was checking to see if she had done something to push me away or piss me off. That’s when I started to look back at what has been going on over the past couple of months and came to the realization that I haven’t really contacted anyone – all I’ve wanted to do is sleep – and this feeling has been with me for a few months now.
I thought the not getting up on time during the week was just because of my feelings towards work – have to be careful what I write here because I know some people from my office read this. So – my perception of things at work have been – no respect for my knowledge base – treated like I don’t know anything – don’t feel like I am compensated fairly for the work that I do. This of course would make anyone not want to crawl out of bed – but then I realized that I have not wanted to get up and out of bed on the weekends either. I am thinking bells should have gone off in my head months ago!
I am thinking that my meds are no longer working! I went online today and took a self diagnostic test and it came back saying I have clinical depression and should call my physician – I’m thinking I shouldn’t feel like that if my meds are working. Took 2 tests: Scored a 22 on a test that said if you are over 15 to call your Dr and the other one I said yes to 8 out of 10 questions – said no to the suicide question and the restless question! I’m not restless – could sleep for days and no suicidal thoughts – my thoughts are more that my life sucks and everyone else has the perfect life. Oh . . . and I can cry at the drop of a hat.
What was the trigger for all this? I think it was a combination of things that all happened right around the same time – Muppet, L’s “health” issue, L moving back in with me, and getting a new puppy. Each one on its own – although stressful – could be handled. All at once – not so much.
I miss my Miss Muppet – as much as I like Miss Chrissy I find myself thinking more about Muppet these days and wishing she were still around. She was more of a companion dog as compared to Chrissy who just runs all over the place – not really in to the snuggling. L has been doing fine in the house – other than not getting a job – but I find myself worrying about what is going to happen when the agreed upon time is up – will she move out quietly, will I have to change the locks, is it going to be extreme stress. How and when should I start asking L about her plans – will it cause problems in the house.
When I got the message yesterday from Lyd I got teary eyed – I don’t want to ruin my friendship with her. The things that I have been thinking are not because of anything she has done – it’s just that I think my life sucks and I think her life is perfect – husband, baby, good job w/great pay, a beautiful house . . . . . . . . as compared to me alone, troubled child, unpleasant job w/sucky pay, a condo that looks like they are getting ready to film an installment of hoarders in it.
Wouldn’t you just want to sleep all the time too. Thankfully tomorrow is Saturday and I have nothing planned – I can sleep as much as I want – or as much as Chrissy will let me.
De
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