WTH

I thought you were supposed to feel better after a therapy appointment - not so today!  I went in there actually feeling pretty good - good mood - not much stress and left there feeling worthless - hopeless - crying - and the voices in my head wide awake!

Started out with Lisa making a comment about how she hates the weather here - doesn't like how we have no spring - wants to move away - how do people stay here.  I said well I've been here my whole life and she responded with How's that going for you!  It pretty much went downhill from there.

We started out talking about something that she couldn't understand why I was OK with it and not mad - she kept bringing up things like she was hoping I would get mad - but this thing honestly doesn't have me upset - I just accepted it because it's pretty much how my life goes - I've learned not to be surprised when things don't go my way.

Somehow we got on the topic of avoiding conflict and not being able to say No - she asked why I couldn't say No.  I don't want to upset anyone and I worry what people will think about me if I say No.  She asked - What would people think about you - what could they find out. This moved on to the topic of me not being able to find someone to date - she said well you need to put time into it - this just pissed me off because I have tried - I've been on dating sights - I've gone on blind dates.  I told her - well kind of yelled at her - not to say I've not put any time into this over the past 18 years - I have done things and nothing works.  I haven't met anyone which just makes me feel bad about myself - the conversation then turns to was I like this when I was younger - uh No!  I had lots of friends when I was growing up.  The turning point was the divorce - I joke around often saying that I lost my friends in the divorce - but it is a reality.  I lost my whole social circle. 

This seems to continue to happen - I have friends and then something happens - either a change of jobs, a change in marital status, having kids, etc . . . . and when that happens I get left behind.  When that keeps happening you start to doubt yourself and wonder what's wrong with you . . . I mean . . . I'm not stupid - I know that the common denominator in all of this is me.  I just don't know why - why don't I ever get chosen - why aren't I the one people stay with - what is so unlikeable about me.

So here I am - from good mood to depressed mood in 45 minutes and $160!  The voices in my head are awake - replaying my life over and over - all the what ifs - all the things I could have done different. 

De